Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Little glimpses

For the last little while, there have been things making me think a bit too much. I've been wondering if "this is all there is" to my life. I don't mean the whole immigration, living apart from my husband thing, I mean the stay at home mom thing. I've felt less than adequate, but really that could be another post, so let's just say that it's a head thing and I'm getting over it. Anyway, in the midst of this conflicted set of emotions, there have been some small moments of shall I call it insight? Sure, sounds like an apt word. Christa, for example. I watched her playing with her grandpa today and what a time they had. At one point she had him helping her feed a giant spider that was in his clubhouse. They had to feed it wehms (worms), which she had dug up in the garden in the middle of the living room. But it was a very friendly spider, said with emphatic nods of her head. Ahhh. Becca, on the other hand, was a bit tougher to get today. She was upset at bedtime but it wasn't really making much sense...she didn't want to be first in line at school as she would have to hold the door open for her classmates. Ooookay, so make sure you aren't first. Well, that wasn't it, it's that if she is first, there is nobody there to play with when she gets there. Ahhh, the social butterfly emerges. Maya's a little tougher yet, but when I began brushing her hair for her while she was on the phone with her friend, I thought she would melt into a little puddle. Sweet sweet moment. I can't pin James down as often, and that is as it should be I think. As our kids get closer to adulthood, they become less transparent, partly as a defense mechanism. After all, if mom or dad finds out too much, they will have the control back again, or worse, they might not approve of me. It's a very very worthwhile thing, this job I have been given. I don't think I am doing a terribly good job of it some days (most days) but it is mine and I will keep striving.


LoisLane said...

I think you're doing a GREAT job!

Karen said...

I think you are doing a wonderful job, but you knew I would say that. It's funny, you sit at home and worry that there might be more than being a SAHM, and I sit here and wonder what I'm missing by not being one.

Big hugs!

Hillary said...

I don't know you, and I don't know your kids, but I think the fact that you're even concerned about it tells me that you're donig a great job. That thought occurred to me today about me and my teaching. I feel like I'm donig a crappy job, but I'm doing the best I can, and really, it's not crappy. It's actually pretty good. It's jsut so easy to get down on ourselves and see all that we would LIKE to be, instead of seeing what we ARE. I'm being challenged to take a good look at what I'm GOOD at, and keep working on that, instead of just looking at where I'd LIKE to be.

And where you're at? It's good. You love your kids to bits, I can SEE that jsut from your blog, and they will thank you for it.

Hang in there! :)

Anonymous said...

You're an AWESOME MOM!!! I'm barely worthy to read your blog. Hang in there! :)